Feeling a bit low

Okay, I'm making a quick late-night post which I will probably have to edit later but I wanted to just get some honest thoughts down on the night before I try to fly to Singapore. In a last-ditch effort to avoid overstaying my Visa here in Cambodia, I booked a rather expensive flight to Singapore. This seems to be the only option for getting out of the country since all land borders are closed and all the adjacent countries which have reasonably priced flights have rejected me personally for a visa, a covid pass, or have simply not started reissuing visas to anyone. So the flight to Singapore seems to be the last option. In retrospect, with the amount of money I spent trying to do all these things it would have been easier to simply pay the hefty fee here in Cambodia to get the longer stay Visa. But of course, if I did that I would no longer have any money to live on or to search for the job that the visa is supposed to be for. In any case, the decision is made now and I'll be heading to the airport tomorrow to try and get on the flight. Unfortunately, after booking the flight and reading through the many, many rules and regulations on getting into the country, I believe that my covid test, which I took Friday, will not be sufficient because it was not close enough to departure time even though it is within the standard 72-hour window used by all other countries and stated on the form. Both Singapore and Malaysia however require a shorter window of two days. Upon realizing this all the dominoes started to fall in my head and I realized that I would be out of money, unable to board the flight, and unable to avoid visa overstays which I now can't afford to pay. Nor can I afford to get the work visa that I had hoped to get when I originally came to Cambodia. All of this together means that I'm quite trapped here and since my father has notified me that he's not going to help anymore and since I'm sure I'm at least a month or more away from getting into China for the job that I've been waiting for, I don't see an out for myself. 

Need... needless to say this was depressing. I know there are much worse situations to be in than the one I'm currently in but that doesn't stop me from feeling like there's no solution to this. I got really low today and I think I was able to communicate that to Erica who managed to talk me back to sense. But the truth is when the inevitable does happen tomorrow and they refuse to let me on the flight and I lose that money plus any ability to remain in legal status, every fear that made me spend half the day thinking about the best way to commit suicide without enduring too much pain today will come back. I'm sure that sounds extreme but the reality is that you do go to prison for overstaying your Visa for more than a certain number of days. The fee is not high at first but it doesn't climb indefinitely. Eventually it becomes incarceration. Without money to rectify the situation, that is the result.

Anyway, I decided on the roof. Without blades or firearms, I don't have the brute strength to do it. I would have to jump off the top of something and the hotel that I've been living in is under construction. I went up to the roof the other day to check it out and it's kind of a nice area. It would make a good open-air suite.

 Well, it's worth it to see if I can get on the flight. Maybe all this worry is for nothing and they won't notice the dates on the test. That seems highly unlikely though.

Given any luck, I'll post again next week. Although if I'm being honest part of what's causing the most distress is that this is just a way to get through the next few days. Even if I find myself in Malaysia by midweek there's still no way I can survive until the Chinese paperwork comes through. Whatever chance there was of that went out the window when I figured out that there was no way to get out of the country without spending hundreds of dollars and no way to stay in it without spending hundreds more. So everything I do from this point forward is just delaying the inevitable. Running out of cash and being stranded wherever I am at the time. To be fair I still think that the best place is Malaysia. They have a very generous entry policy for Americans and so does Singapore. Technically I could wander back and forth between the two countries without a visa indefinitely. Of course, I wouldn't be eating or sleeping indoors 😃😅