A single fact

 I miss a lot of posts and here's the reason:

I just spent an hour writing a post for today and the app lost it. Just fucking lost it. Besides the aggravation of trying to type on a good damned phone while on the train, the shitty Google software can't even auto save. Something computers have been doing for over twenty years. I can only post from a computer. And only add photos from the phone. 

So nevermind. I'm going to stop feeling like this is me. I always feel like I haven't kept up with posting regularly because of this, but this shit happens a lot! Their stupid app isn't worth a shit so I'm not fucking with it anymore. I will post when possible from my computer. 

Just wanted to let you know. 

Feeling a bit low

Okay, I'm making a quick late-night post which I will probably have to edit later but I wanted to just get some honest thoughts down on the night before I try to fly to Singapore. In a last-ditch effort to avoid overstaying my Visa here in Cambodia, I booked a rather expensive flight to Singapore. This seems to be the only option for getting out of the country since all land borders are closed and all the adjacent countries which have reasonably priced flights have rejected me personally for a visa, a covid pass, or have simply not started reissuing visas to anyone. So the flight to Singapore seems to be the last option. In retrospect, with the amount of money I spent trying to do all these things it would have been easier to simply pay the hefty fee here in Cambodia to get the longer stay Visa. But of course, if I did that I would no longer have any money to live on or to search for the job that the visa is supposed to be for. In any case, the decision is made now and I'll be heading to the airport tomorrow to try and get on the flight. Unfortunately, after booking the flight and reading through the many, many rules and regulations on getting into the country, I believe that my covid test, which I took Friday, will not be sufficient because it was not close enough to departure time even though it is within the standard 72-hour window used by all other countries and stated on the form. Both Singapore and Malaysia however require a shorter window of two days. Upon realizing this all the dominoes started to fall in my head and I realized that I would be out of money, unable to board the flight, and unable to avoid visa overstays which I now can't afford to pay. Nor can I afford to get the work visa that I had hoped to get when I originally came to Cambodia. All of this together means that I'm quite trapped here and since my father has notified me that he's not going to help anymore and since I'm sure I'm at least a month or more away from getting into China for the job that I've been waiting for, I don't see an out for myself. 

Need... needless to say this was depressing. I know there are much worse situations to be in than the one I'm currently in but that doesn't stop me from feeling like there's no solution to this. I got really low today and I think I was able to communicate that to Erica who managed to talk me back to sense. But the truth is when the inevitable does happen tomorrow and they refuse to let me on the flight and I lose that money plus any ability to remain in legal status, every fear that made me spend half the day thinking about the best way to commit suicide without enduring too much pain today will come back. I'm sure that sounds extreme but the reality is that you do go to prison for overstaying your Visa for more than a certain number of days. The fee is not high at first but it doesn't climb indefinitely. Eventually it becomes incarceration. Without money to rectify the situation, that is the result.

Anyway, I decided on the roof. Without blades or firearms, I don't have the brute strength to do it. I would have to jump off the top of something and the hotel that I've been living in is under construction. I went up to the roof the other day to check it out and it's kind of a nice area. It would make a good open-air suite.

 Well, it's worth it to see if I can get on the flight. Maybe all this worry is for nothing and they won't notice the dates on the test. That seems highly unlikely though.

Given any luck, I'll post again next week. Although if I'm being honest part of what's causing the most distress is that this is just a way to get through the next few days. Even if I find myself in Malaysia by midweek there's still no way I can survive until the Chinese paperwork comes through. Whatever chance there was of that went out the window when I figured out that there was no way to get out of the country without spending hundreds of dollars and no way to stay in it without spending hundreds more. So everything I do from this point forward is just delaying the inevitable. Running out of cash and being stranded wherever I am at the time. To be fair I still think that the best place is Malaysia. They have a very generous entry policy for Americans and so does Singapore. Technically I could wander back and forth between the two countries without a visa indefinitely. Of course, I wouldn't be eating or sleeping indoors 😃😅

Triple visa fail and a lot of uncertainty next week.

 Well, it seems It's been another 2 weeks since my last post and I don't even understand how that happened because I didn't realize 2 weeks have gone by but apparently they have. In any case, last week when I didn't post with basically a lot of waiting and not knowing what to do until the end of the week when I finally decided along with some others in the Stream that the questionable job situation here in Cambodia was not a good deal. In short, it was $500 for a Visa so that I can work at a job that pays $400 a month. Additionally when I finally got the photos of the accommodations that would be provided they were substandard, to say the least. And I feel like the nail in the coffin was that the way I was supposed to get the visa was to hand my $500 and my passport off to a guy on a motorbike. he was going to come by the hotel and then disappear with them and I was just going to sit here and cross my fingers and hope for him to return. He probably would have but considering I have never met any of these people including the owner who is hiring me and charging me the $500 for the work visa. I and the others on the Stream decided this was not a good set up the risks were too high and the rewards too low. So ultimately what I've decided to do is go to Thailand. well, actually I skipped a step. What I decided to do is go back to Vietnam since they've been advertising for well over a month that they have reopened and the world can return to Vietnam for tourism. but when I went to the Embassy they quickly informed me there were no tourist visas for Vietnam meaning they were not open. so after all of that, I had to turn back to Thailand. Thailand has more than a few Requirements for getting into the country. Honestly, I'm not sure that I can meet all of them. at present, I'm not sure I have submitted my paperwork in time to get the 60-day visa which means I will have wasted the money that I put towards getting that Visa if it doesn't come back but more worryingly than that is that they have a requirement that you have $1,000 in your bank account if you want to get into the country and I don't have anything in my bank account I took everything out in cash because I had trouble accessing my money. After all, my Visa card was not here. More on that later. Let them look at an empty bank account and cash in my hand which shouldn't be too much of a problem except I'm having to spend so much of it 2 get into the country that I don't think I'm going to have $1,000 left in total by the time I board the flight with when they will also check to make sure I have $1,000. just a quick rundown I've also spent money on a flight that I am not going to use because they want to see that you have a flight out and I spent money on the flight there which I didn't even want. I would rather take the train but as I said all land borders are closed. I spent money on a fancy hotel which I don't need because that's what they required for one night how to do the covid test even though the test itself shouldn't cost more than $30 and could be done the day before you leave. that's not the way they want you to do it. quite a bit of money already to try and get to Thailand and I'm not entirely sure they're going to let me in when I get there or let me board the plane when I get to the airport because I won't have any money left and I will still be stuck here in Cambodia. So yeah, kind of stressful. anyway, that's all for the post. This week I've been spending so much time trying to deal with this and mental energy trying to deal with this and I'm just exhausted and emotionally exhausted. oh one thing I guess I should go back and explain the Visa issue after waiting several months to get my Visa debit card mailed to me it arrived a week or so ago which was great and I activated it and it worked for a few days and then the bank seems to have deleted it not deactivated not blocked it or you know put a caution on the card but to simply delete it just does not appear in my bank information anymore. Oh, and one final thing: we've increased the number of streams in the last couple of weeks and I'm quite pleased with the results. also turned away from doing little activities that I thought would be fun or interesting and just focused on seeing the sights in the city the most humdrum the ordinary you know museums and sites and I feel like it's been really good maybe this is the direction we should be taking the channel. All right, that's all, see you guys next week. Hopefully, I'll have more time to dedicate to this and hopefully, I'll be somewhere in Thailand at that point.